Lord, Please help the man I love...

Lord, Please help the man I love, for he is a patient man!

Well, I didn't know if I was going to have side effects from Clomid. I thought I was pretty strong and not very sensitive to meds. Completely WRONG!! I got home from work today, and Greg was on the phone, I was immediately mad because he didn't say hi to me. After ignoring him for about 10 minutes, I ended up running to him crying because I saw a cute puppy on Craiglist. Pathetic?? PATHETIC!!! Oh dear lord, these meds are making me a psycho bitch! ..and we're only 2 days into the process!

Again, Lord, Please help the man I love, for he loves me even in moments like these.

Warning: Bitchy, hormonal woman inside!

Just had the biggest freakout! I was sitting here looking at my prescription bag, where my clomid should had been. Well I decided to look inside, and there was nothing in there!! Oh em gee. That was the bag for the Provera, I thought I threw that bag away. Well I threw away the bag with the clomid instead. I almost started bawling!! After tearing the house apart, I finally found the common sense to look in the kitchen trash. Low and behold!! Almost had a heart attack. Those little white pills could help me produce my future child. How dare I treat them with such little thought.

So 3 days after taking my last Provera pill...AF showed up this morning, in full force. I've never had breast tenderness, but I HAVE THIS TIME!!! GEEZ!! I could barely touch them and its like OWWWWWW. I am happy she is here though, and happy to start Clomid in a few days. I'm so anxious to see how my body reacts to it!! I hope it works..GOD I hope it WORKS!!!!!!!

...and just an FYI... I'm tired of getting shower invites, and people informing us they are pregnant. I know its selfish, and I should be happy for people..blah blah blah. I'm also tired of people saying I shouldn't be so bitter, that it'll happen when its meant to happen, and we are sooooo young and we have TONS of time to have children. To all of those people, I would like to give you my upmost and sincere middle finger. Now you know what you can do with that finger.

The end.

Sitting here with my head in my hands

Just got back from the Dr. On the verge of crying. Now we have been through IF, and after 16 cycles of TTC we actually had a great stepping stone today. For months after months we tried different approaches while I was on a quest to find a fulfilling Dr. We tried herbal remedies, Vitex, Preseed, charting, OPKS, and only on one occasion did we get a postive OPK. Today the Dr prescribed me my first round of Clomid. I am so excited!! I have no idea how my body will react to the clomid, so I am trying to remain optimistic. Its only 50mg, but I want to see how my body reacts. I am on day one of Povera. I will be taking the Povera for 10 days, which should induce my AF. Could this really be the next step in our lives?

We are buying a house..will we be able to paint for the nursery too?? I'm looking at the white little magic pils in front of me..will one of them help me with the blessing of a child? So many emotions, mostly joy, a little nervousness. I want to cry tears of joy right now, please baby come. Mommy wants to care for you, and watch you grow. Daddy loves you too, and wants to teach you so many things. You are so wanted in this world, please come soon. I miss you already!

Finally..another one!! :)

Well well well, where do we start. I feel like Doogie Howser sitting at my computer typing in my diary.KEY THE MUSIC! (Funny thing is, I actually youtubed it, and now I am listening to the music while I'm typing) Anyways I'm a dork.

I promised a blog, so here I go. The last time I blogged we went out to Indio for my sisters graduation party. The weekend after that we spent the weekend at a humongous house in Vegas for my friends birthday.DH decided to try some copenhagen chew that weekend on the strip, and we actually spent alot of the night on the strip next to the restrooms, while he spewed all night long. Oh well, it was still a very fun time in Vegas, as always..with good friends and great memories :)

On the IF sides of things, I finally found a Dr. that I like!! WOO HOO!! As some of you may know, I've been searching for months for a dependable, knowledgable doctor to no avail. One Dr. explained the pain near my pelvis as "gas." Mmm..hmm! Gas. Turns out when I had my ultrasound I had a huge cyst on my right ovary. So I'm so happy and relieved to find a Dr. that listens and can be of help.

My newest Dr. wants to make sure the pains I'm feeling on my side aren't a cyst (possibly inflammed ovaries). If indeed its not a large cyst, I will be starting Clomid next cycle!! I'm so anxious to start.My new dr. seems confident that a little boost of clomid is all I need. I'm very skeptical of that,maybe because I see all of the struggles going on in the boards. I'm crossing my fingers though, and not giving up hope!!!

On to the IF site. I'm still working on the site, just things are moving slowly right now, because we've had alot of family situations going on the past month that we've been needing to take care of. Hopefully I'll continue to work on the site a little bit every night and eventually in a few more months we'll be able to launch. Woo hoo!!! :)

On an ending note, we got an offer accepted on a house ..FINALLY!!! Its a great, cute little house. I'm so excited to almost be a homeowner :) I'm hoping everything goes through escrow very smoothly. I'm excited, yes nervous at the same time. I can't wait to decorate a new home. My sister in law is so confident that the clomid will work, that she said as soon as we get the house, she is unloading all of her old baby stuff down to us. I'm not complaining, it'll be nice to have some baby items in the house :) Just a reminder...that some day a baby will come. No matter what we have to go through to get there.

Vacation

So we drove out to a timeshare about an hour away from our house for my sisters graduation on Friday. BOY DID I NEED IT MORE THAN I THOUGHT!!! Just a time to not think about work, money, TTTC. It gave me the mental uplift I needed. Just spending time with my husband, my sisters, and my friends at the pool!! Now I feel good about getting into the hustle and bustle of things. WOO!! Please let the 4 day work week fly by!

Theres so much to do!!!

I must admit, it feels good to finally have something to look forward to again. I went through a spout of depression and anxiety because of the house situation, the baby situation, and weight situation, but I finally feel like I have things to accomplish right now.

1.) The website. I've gotten the help from two wonderful girls (Kathy and Tina) who will be helping me with the site. They have given me such great ideas ALREADY!! I can't wait to get the site up and running and have people be able to look at the site and leave with the sense that they left with what they were looking for. I'm so excited about this project!!

2.) The house. We haven't had a bid accepted yet, but I'm not losing hope. Our last bid is THEE backup offer if the house goes through. I'm not counting on it, but just to hear that our bid was good, but not quite enough makes me happy. It doesn't make me feel like we are poor. The house was AMAZING! I feel very lucky now, even though we don't have a house yet.

3.) The poundage. I've seriously gained about 40 lbs since Greg and I started seeing each other about 3 1/2 years ago. I've never been so fat in my life!!! But now I have my new elliptical machine, and after jsut working out on it tonight for 20 minutes I already feel better, and I feel like I can lose 20 lbs DEFINITLY by September. Its making me feel good!!

I really feel good right now, like I'm worth something. I haven't felt like this in a VERY long time.

I have a confession to make!

Joey McIntyre was my first naughty dream. I was 6..and "we kissed like the people on tv."

Anyways...New Kids tickets for Vegas go on sale on Friday. Someone sitting right here is reallllyyyyyy excited!!! WOOT WOOT!!! :)

UGH!

And if I find out that one more person is pregnant..I'm going to KARATE CHOP someones head off!!!!

I just want to crawl into a ball...

..and die. I feel so depressed right now. I see my sister in law and her family. Her husband, her son, and her new baby girl, and I want exactly that. I'm jealous. I'll admit it. I WANT THAT!! It hurts my heart, and gives me that sinking feeling in my stomach. To top it off, yesterday the bid we put in on a house was outbid, and my sister in law found out that her offer was accepted. I am happy for them, because I know they need a house more than we do, but come on God!! Seriously??? The same day our offer was declined?? Show some freakin' sympathy.

I know I should be grateful to be alive, and be able to afford somewhere to live in blah blah blah. But liked the greedy person I must be, I want more. I don't want to live in this 1 bedroom 1 bath house anymore. I'm sick of it. It was cool for a while, because I didn't have to clean a big great house..but now I'd rather have that great big house to clean.

What do I have to show for myself?? I own a truck, rent a house, and I'm married. What an accomplishment! Yeah, right!

I just can't take this right now, like I said..I just want to curl up in a ball...and die.

I've decided this weekend...

I've decided this weekend that I am going to give myself a little break from TTC to try and focuse on my overall health. I really really need to lose weight, and I think if I focuse on losing weight, I won't be so overwhelmed ttc, charting, etc. Now, I'm sure that I will still be thinking of ovulating or getting AF, but if I focus on something else besides that, maybe my heart won't hurt as much.

I'm going to set myself a realistic goal of losing 20lbs by the end of August. I think I could definitley do that, especially since we just ordered an elliptical machine that should be here in about 2 weeks.

I hope this is a better start to what we've been waiting for.

Memorial Day Weekend

I've tested negative again just to make sure for Memorial Day weekend. Well ...it was negative..so I'm going to grab me a beer and enjoy my weekend!! And guess what..I'll even feel bad for myself this weekend if I want to..because I can!!

This weekend:

• Clean
• Drink
• Play Wii
• Drink
• Feel sorry for myself
• Drink
• Drink
• Drink

Those are my plans..

Everyday it's a gettin' closer...going faster than a rollercoaster...

I honestly never thought I would be making a blog about the pains and struggles of going through infertility at 23 years old, but here I am. I'd rather be writing a pregnancy blog, but its the sad reality I now have to face. Greg and I have been trying for over a year to get pregnant, with no success. Diagnosed with PCOS, the chances to get pregnant are rare, especially with infrequent ovulation.
The past few months its been hitting me hard, and as much as I love Greg, I feel as though he doesn't really grasp what I'm going through. My heart breaks every time I see a new mother with her child. I want to know what I did so wrong, that I feel God is punishing me for.
Currently, I'm on a herbal regime to help my cycle. It was working at first, and now I feel like all of the help it was giving me has disappeared.

Anyways...this is my first blog of many more to come.

AF is 26 days late.